Sunday, May 31, 2015

Tango Is Not Sex

American culture has a problem with intimacy and I think it is a big impediment to our understanding of tango. It is my guess that the source of this difficulty stems from our Puritanical roots but it does not matter, only that we recognize that it should be a concern.
There is a tremendous release of stress during the sex act. I've detected a similar release of tension after some of my tango encounters. I think this same observation has been made by many who take up this dance and therein lies the confusion that tango and sex are kind of the same.
I have a machine that massages my feet. It is wonderful. I think that it too relieves stress but I do not in any way associate it with sex.
I am not going to say what I think leads to sex but I can say with certainty that tango and sex are not one and the same. If this is what you think then you need to get over it because it is an obstacle to your progress. This kind of thinking creates a false foundation on which to build your dance and it will not support you when you run into trouble, such as when you start a sexual relationship based upon satisfying tango encounters.
Let me tell you what I think tango is. It is two people attempting to translate a song into movement with spontaneous choreography. We accomplish this by connecting to our partner physically, mentally and emotionally. Maintaining balance as we unite so completely with a stranger is difficult. We become tango dancers when we attempt to educate ourselves on the finer points of stability and synergy. It is an education that never ends and it is a process that cannot begin until the student realizes that the bedroom is not at the end of the road.




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Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Tango Is A Man’s Guide to Women


               Recently I published my latest book A Beginner’s Guide to Women. The title alone is an audacious statement but it is what it has to be. America is in trouble. Our divorce rate is sky high and, if the headlines of today’s popular magazines are any indication, Americans seem to be unable to maintain satisfying, lasting relationships.
               I revealed my book at a party I recently attended. The reaction to the title was remarkably different for males and females. Women were shocked and said so while the men were expressionless. Upon reading a few snippets, the ladies all had something to say about the contents but the men remained chiseled and unresponsive.
               This event was a great help to me because it challenged me to defend what I had written. The beginning of all marketing campaigns for a writer is learning what to say when asked why someone should buy his/her book? My answer is that men need to stop trying to understand women and to start paying more attention to what they are saying with words as well as through body language.
               I have come to the conclusion that women are incredibly complex. I didn’t learn this in school or from a book, I learned this by dancing tango. 
               I have always been awkward around women. After three years of tango I was finally able to embrace a woman and feel certain she wasn't anxiously waiting for the song to end. Talking to other tangueros, I found that three year period was pretty much the norm. Five years is the accepted length of time for a man to finally be able to lead a tango dance successfully. 
               There's a reason for this. A woman needs to feel free while she’s dancing. She also needs to know that you will support her if she stumbles and that you are communicating effectively through your physical points of contact. Acquiring these skills takes a great deal of time and effort. Learning how to fly a plane takes considerably less time.
               Men tend to think of holding a woman the same way they think of holding a football: hold tightly and don’t let anyone rip it from your hands. Newsflash! WOMEN ARE NOT FOOTBALLS.  
               It is my opinion that men try too hard to understand women. Women are doing everything they can just to try and understand themselves; there’s no way that you, a man, is ever going to do that. Tango teaches us that understanding is not necessary, only that we listen to the music and try to move together in harmony.
               So many times have I witnessed a new tanguero writing down everything that is being said during a tango workshop instead of paying attention to every word the instructor is saying. He does this because life has taught him that success in school and at work comes from taking good notes. However, getting along with a woman is not work, nor is it a test: it is an absolute necessity.
               When I talked to the women at the party about my book. I told them that it instructs men to listen and to pay close attention to body language when dealing with a member of the opposite sex. Their responses spoke volumes though they uttered very few words. As soon as I said this, they immediately nodded their heads in approval and turned around to look for their men. This told me that what I was saying was something they felt was absolutely critical to the success of their relationship and that it had to be addressed immediately.
               Dancing tango has taught me not only to read my partner’s body language but to also be aware of the messages I am inadvertently sending through my own physical demeanor. First and foremost is personal hygiene. How you look and smell speaks volumes to a lady. Second, all facial expressions and audible tones are taken by your partner as either insults or compliments and to a higher degree than if you had actually used words to deliver the same message.
               These are all superficial things that you could easily learn from Ann Landers or Dear Abby. What I reveal in my book are the more complicated facets of a woman’s behavior, such as something called slut-shaming or her linear mental process or how much effort is really needed in order to be romantic.
               In today's high-tech, up-to-the-minute journalism, very little attention is being paid to these topics and I am doing something to rectify the situation. It is a risky stance for me to take but I feel it is a stand worth making. I’m certain I’ve made mistakes but that is okay because I know that life is like a tango where there are no mistakes, only attempts at spontaneous choreography to the rhythms of our society. I feel as if American culture is somehow off-balance and I am making an effort to correct that.


               My book is available on Amazon and on Kindle. If you care about this country you live in and the state of affairs in the relationships between men and women, I asked that you forward this post to a place where it can be read by others. Maybe it is a time for us all to take a stand for how we treat each other, to stop over-analyzing why people do things and to begin working for positive results instead of simply increasing the amount of information we’ve gathered. 


Here is a link to my book:






Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Tanguera and the Wolf

I saw the wolf last night at the milonga. He shows up every now and then, a man who doesn’t dance tango on the arm of a delightful tanguera. He’s there for her. He’s usually good looking and exudes machismo. He’s been a tall carpenter, a race car driver and a rock climber; whatever his profession, he wears it on his sleeve and it makes him appear very formidable; he’s got that something that women are attracted to; he's a leader of men, capable in a fight and he's got thick, strong thighs that can carry a heavy load.
His hunger was strong, I could tell because I know the feeling. There was something that he craved with a passion but he could not get it unless it was given to him. The object of his desire was sweet like honey but satisfying and sustaining like a tenderloin: a sweet meat.
Whatever it was, he was desperate for it; he was so fraught that he was willing to go to the milonga and sit there while his girlfriend danced with all the other men except him. This was painful but he knew he needed to endure it if he was going to be fed.
I know what you’re thinking: the thing he longed for is sex. Maybe you’re right but not necessarily. I can say with certainty that the thing he longed for was a woman’s to give. It might have been sex but it might also be the simple pleasure of her company when she is in a good mood. It could be food or any of a myriad of treats that only a woman can give to a man. It could be something as simple as a smile or as complex as tantric copulation. Like tango, this is not something he could do by himself. All he knows is that, until she gives it to him, he is incomplete and being unfinished is something that will drive him crazy. It is how men are.
He was on the verge of tears. That’s important to the tangueras who bring these men to the milonga. They feed on this hunger and it is not satisfying unless it is very real. It’s kind of like a compliment: it has to be an honest acknowledgement of an appealing personal trait; if it is real then it is flattering, if it is contrived then it is an insult. His state must be verified in order for it to satisfy her need.
I could see the agony in his eyes as she moved around the room in the arms of all the men who could dance tango. He was in pain but he was also drooling.
These tangueras are always on a journey of discovery. They are perfectionists. I have to wonder what they are thinking. Are they curious? Are they looking for answers to questions in their own lives, trying to heal a wound that can't be healed? Whatever they're thinking, I can say from watching them that they are good at continuing the play until they decide it is the appropriate time for the curtain to fall.
The performance does not end when the crowd is not there. The last scene is acted out in private. No one knows how it really ends except him and her. That’s how it has to be. This is real life. It is like tango where the outcome is never certain and the only thing that can be taken for granted is that the music has to end sooner or later.


           Why women do what they do is difficult for a man to understand but that should not be the goal. For an thorough discussion of this topic, check out my latest book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Beginners-Guide-Women-perri-iezzoni/dp/1512200212/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1431805915&sr=1-4&keywords=a+beginner%27s+guide+to+women 





Friday, May 8, 2015

Putting the Romance into Tango Is Hard Work

               Any man worth a salt can tell you that putting romance into a relationship is hard work. A spaghetti dinner is just another meal until it is accompanied by a red and white checkered table cloth, lit candles and opulent displays of etiquette and chivalry. The presentation of a gift in any romantic endeavor is almost as important as the thought that goes into its selection and acquisition.
               I don’t think all tangueros are aware that this applies to tango as well.
               Romance is man’s work and it is a big part of the illusion in tango. The observer is clueless to the signals being conveyed by the leader to the follower. Learning how to communicate clearly through body language is an arduous task. Acquisition of this skill takes a lot of thought. How this expertise is presented is as important as what went into the educational process.
               Listening is how we gather the necessary information to achieve proficiency. Paying attention to the follower’s balance, mood and performance is imperative. The man leads the movement but he does so with respect to the aforementioned indicators. Stability is realized through practice. A woman’s disposition is influenced by her partner’s hygiene, expression and utterances. The maneuvers attempted should always be within the tanguera’s ability and should never make her appear awkward or unattractive.
               The most difficult part about romance is the fact that we are men: people who started off life as tiny wailing babies peeing all over creation without any control; we then became mischievous little boys who grew into oversized frames in a world full of expectations that we act like men. To our surprise, women are not the little girls we knew as children whom we tortured with insults and physical abuse before subjecting them to the noxious fumes leaching from our bowels. They are something else. Just what that something else is will remain unknown until we acknowledge our ignorance and begin to remedy the situation.
               Tango has a reputation as the world’s most romantic dance. Dancing tango is more of an altered state of consciousness than it is an exercise to the rhythm of the music. It is not so much a dance as it is a goal to be attained. Getting there is hard work and that is how romance makes its way into tango.



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