What A Man Wants: 98 point 6 and Breathing

               Oh how nice it would be to never know the cold, to never know fear, pain or sadness. Or would it really be so nice? A tango dancer knows that is not true. Our experience with the cold makes us appreciate the warmth with indescribable pleasure; the pain of a heart that is broken teaches it to care the next time love comes near; it is fear that helps us to see how many important things there are in our lives. It is our struggle that helps us grow and it is in growing that we are truly happy.

               This is also true in tango: if we danced perfectly, right from the start, we would never fully experience the pleasure of dancing tango because we would have missed the essential ingredient: our failures. Our  flawed attempts at movement with a partner in concert with the music are the mystery spices that make each encounter unique and provide a couple with the opportunity to send their souls to the stars.

               A novice tanguera can take heart in the fact that her inexperience is not a deficit; in fact it is quite the opposite. She should not listen to those naysayers who tell her, or she might even tell herself, that the skilled tanguero is only dancing with her because it makes him feel superior, for that is not the case. This may be true in other circumstances where men and women work together but not in tango; tango is different.

               I spent four years learning how to tango before I got laid off and began to travel and dance all around the country. At the end of my fourth year I was a regular at the Saturday afternoon practicas at Dance Manhattan in New York City. From 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. some of NYC’s most dedicated milongueros gathered to hone their skills.

               There is another practica that follows; it is for beginner’s. Nearly all the women of the earlier practica depart but most of the very experienced leaders stay.  This baffles many of the women from the first group who dismiss the phenomenon offhandedly. Several times I have seen experienced tangueras stay, looking for more dances but they are offended and perplexed by the apparent hunger the men have for these untrained women. Such is the chemistry between leaders and followers.

               So many times I have heard experienced tangueras at Dance Manhattan’s first practica say, “Oh, I know why you stay, because you want to be a big man with the girls who know nothing.”

               It is useless to debate that point anywhere else other than in your own blog. Ladies believe what they believe because they do not know what it is to be a leader; what responsibilities we have and how that brings us great joy.

               Sometimes we find extreme delight dancing with women who have no skills whatsoever. To be the first ‘real’ leader a woman encounters is an honor and an incredibly exhilarating sensation. If a man does his job well she will grow exponentially within the short span of time of their engagement. Working with an experienced tanguera can take weeks to see a fraction of the results achieved with a virgin tanguera. A leader in this position takes great satisfaction in offering her a proper invitation to move for the first time.  

               This is a selfless act. Often young women take it the wrong way. After their initial euphoria wears off, they eye their first leader with distrust. An older middle-aged woman is not so suspicious. She knows when she has been given a gift and is wise enough to see the strings attached if this gift was not meant from the heart. She takes the present and is grateful which is all the reward a man ever needs. Eventually the young lady begins to see it the same way and joins in the dance of tango as she should: untethered.

               

Disappearing Hobbit Puppies and the Killing of Children

               Today we ‘disappeared’ some more of our loved ones. Unlike Argentina, a country well-versed in this phenomenon, we know where they went and how they got there but we are still powerless to stop them from taking our babies. Like Argentina, we dance a tango praying they are not out there, waiting for us.

               It is almost like we are a litter of puppies living with a python in our midst. It is not like we are oblivious to its presence. We all scream, “murderer, thief, Baggins.” But we are all treated like Gollums, as if we don’t count, that our pain does not matter.

               Our children and our loved ones must die so that a few shooting ranges and gun manufacturers will survive.

               A saner Hobbit might ask, “When will we begin to see reality?” But, since Hobbits are not real, that question will never reach the ears of our legislators.

               We are lost in the fantasy that our guns protect us from a horrible monster and we are too blind to see that the horrible monster is the very guns we pray to for protection. 

Repost: Why Women Can't Lead

"While I dance with her, I have a diamond in my arms, and nobody can touch it or hit it. The woman I dance with should fall in love with me during the tanda.” (Flaco Dany)

               It takes two to tango. Usually, it is a man and a woman. Often, I have seen women attempting to lead but the best they can do is pretend. Part of what makes this dance so addicting, frustrating and enjoyable, is its effects on us physically, emotionally and mentally. The reason for this is a ‘chemical’ reaction, built into our DNA code, that is triggered when we interact through tango.

               Recently, I received an email accusing me of coming across as "an imbecile high school senior", so I’m gonna try and be smart. I think ‘smart’ would avoid trying to fit gay couples into my explanation of why I think women can’t lead. I’m simply going add a caveat of ‘except for gay women’ and hope everyone realizes I’m excluding them.

               The chemistry is the most important thing, but let us take a look at all the other things involved in this complex task. Honestly, I don’t know how a guy ever learns this dance without a woman to inspire him. A leader must listen to the music and interpret it into dance moves that he must then communicate to his partner. Don’t forget to navigate the crowded dance floor while avoiding obstacles, like pillars, chairs and tables.

               Take into consideration that this is done with a member of the opposite sex, genetically designed to compel us to propagate the species, and you have a real challenge. Let’s make this even harder, throw in a man who is full of flaws and don’t let him begin until he is forty-seven. Okay, start leading!

               To help you understand, let me tell you about my experience with a woman I met while learning tango. She is blond and tall. To me she seemed to wear a lot of makeup. I had no experience with girls who wore makeup until I started dancing. So, I assumed she wore perfume, too. Because of my allergies, I shied away from dancing with her.

               On a side note, my allergies were a big problem until I went on a detox diet for allergens: no potatoes, green peppers, spinach, bread, tomatoes or pasta. Basically, everything I ate. After a month, I was not so sensitive to women’s perfume or makeup. Some perfume never bothered me, such as Victoria’s Secrets ‘Pure Seduction’ and Christian Dior’s ‘Pure Poison’.

               Back to the tall, German fraulein. She always made sure I knew that she was hoping I’d ask her to dance. One day, while I was dancing with her, I told her I have a problem with perfume. She said, “I’m not wearing any perfume.”

               Nervously, I inhaled and paid attention to the air: not a whiff of chemical enhancements. She was right. I realized, then, I had been unfairly ignoring this woman, based on the false assumption that makeup has to travel with perfume. Like the Grinch’s heart, as he sits on top of the highest peak, looking down upon Whoville and all the Whos who are singing, my heart grew three sizes larger that day.

               I started paying attention to this woman and noticed that she was always improving. I began inviting her onto the floor more often and I found myself truly enjoying our education in tango together.  In our embrace, I could feel how much this woman enjoyed the music and delighted in dancing with me. I think I’ve said this before: one of the greatest joys in tango is dancing with someone you love…who also loves dancing with you.

               This nasty email I mentioned before, said, “you're a sad, narcissistic, two-bit loser!” Not exactly like that, I had to correct the spelling and the punctuation. I don’t necessarily disagree with that statement. I’m unemployed, so ‘loser’ fits. I am sad…sometimes, and it probably shows in my writing. I spent a lot of time learning how to lead tango, so women would be happy to dance with me. I expect them to be happy, so that does make me narcissistic. There’s a little bit of performance anxiety, here, too, but I’m up for the challenge.

               It takes a man to realize he was wrong. Only a man can be stupid enough to overlook the beautiful person inside the woman. But it takes a man to take another look and see how truly wonderful she is. And only a man can be as happy as I am to dance with her to this very day.

               Men can be childish, stupid and insensitive. In order for us to make the commitment it takes to become a leader in tango, it takes a man full of passion for women. He must have the heart of a poet. When he begins his journey, he does not leave behind his childishness, his stupidity or his insensitivity. Because of his passion, he becomes a leader in spite of those things. His faults are his stumbling blocks but this is where the true lessons are: in stepping over them.

               Our job, as leaders, is not limited to just one woman. It is our responsibility to dance with all of them. And that is why I say a woman can’t lead, it takes a man with the appetite, with love and compassion his heart, for all women, to do the job and do it well.

 Note: For an in-depth look into the mind of the Kayak Hombre, read his book, available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/River-Tango-perri-iezzoni/dp/1453865527/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369366756&sr=1-1&keywords=River+tango