The Most Common Mistakes in Tango

                As I was dancing tango with a young woman at a milonga, I encountered a familiar bump in the road that many of us trip over on our journey to proficiency. The couple in front of us abruptly moved backwards and I had to make an immediate course correction in order to avoid a collision. 

               I led a molinete to my left.

               It was here that we stumbled upon the most common mistakes in tango.

               Instead of stepping sideways in a manner that would take her around me, or even directly to her right, she moved away from me on a tangent that was neither a back-step nor a side-step.

               She was so alluring that I hid my frustration when she departed my orbit. What can I say? I found her infatuating.

               During the dance, the follower is almost always doing some part of molinete, that merry-go-round pattern which encompasses all the fundamental movements of tango: back-step, side-step, front-step and pivot.  

               It can begin from any one of the aforementioned steps. The progression of a molinete is always the same. If she starts on the back-step she proceeds to the side-step, then the front-step and then another side-step. The molinete must always be performed in reference to the leader who is in the middle of the circle she is navigating. All her steps must carry her around him as he pivots in the center.

               If her first movement into the molinete takes her away from the leader, he will have to change course by moving towards her and find another way to continue dancing without barging into the couple in front of them.

               As my intoxicating companion moved away from me, I closed the gap and led her into a series of rock steps that kept us out of traffic. It was at this point that I noticed there was chemistry between us. If I was not careful, I could easily become infatuated by her.

               Men and women can never be just friends. Almost every woman with which a man dances becomes a sexual puzzle that his libido tries to solve. Therefore, some degree of infatuation is possible with almost every partner he embraces.

               The problem with infatuation is that it causes a man’s brain to idle. It puts him into a hypnotic state that stifles his ability to indicate movement, rhythm and direction.

               So there I was, dancing with this beautiful young lady. I saw the obstacle and merely stepped over it because I am not the naïve puppy I was when I began my tango quest. I am in control….most of the time, but not always. I am, after all, just a man and sometimes I find it invigorating to let the little boy in me be free.

               It would be unfortunate if she never learns that the side-step initiating her molinete is taken at an inappropriate angle. It’s not my responsibility to point this out. That is a job for her instructor.

               So it is for the man who never learns to harness his passion. It cannot be allowed to run wild or else he will not be able to dance. Yet he must not be a stone because rocks are not very appealing. This is the paradox that every leader must confront.

               In tango there are three types of people: the observers, the travelers and those who are stuck on the round-about waiting for chance or inspiration to get them back on the road again and moving forward.

              

              

For more of the Kayak Hombre, read my book Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure or River Tango. Available on Amazon.com in paperback or Kindle.

Tango Is the Cure

               I believe it is a biological fact that bodily contact between humans has positive and far-reaching therapeutic value. When I dance tango with a woman, especially with a middle-aged lady, I can feel a powerful energy seeping out of her. I think that energy is created by stress and I savor it like a potent elixir.

               It feels good to take someone’s stress as well as to have someone take it from you. This is one of the many reasons why I believe dancing tango is so addictive. When we engage in the tango embrace, our opiate receptors line up along our points of contact, anxiously awaiting a tiny sip of the stress cocktail.

               Humans are communal creatures and the release of stress for one member of the tribe is beneficial to the entire community. People who are relaxed are better prepared to handle the seemingly irrational occurrences caused by their social interactions.

               I think stress is a necessary evil. There is a reason for it but we cannot let it accumulate. We must find an outlet for it or symptoms will erupt that doctors, if allowed, will try to treat with the most expensive healthcare on the planet.

               US citizens have to be very careful when we seek the advice of medical ‘experts’, especially if we have a great healthcare plan.

               American culture, with its emphasis on driving and social media, has lost many of its outlets to relieve stress. Consequently, bodily contact with another person is priced at a premium.

               A masseuse massages our muscles to heal them but the real benefit of the session is derived simply from their hands touching us in a consensual manner.

               Massages are for sissies. Real men go to the strip club for lap dances.

               This is not unusual. Herodotus tells us in his Histories of a Lydian culture where young girls prostitute themselves to build their own dowries. In my country, young unwed mothers prostitute themselves as a form of welfare to provide for their children.

               If you’re too timid to go for either of these remedies, the pharmaceutical companies are ready to assist you with a chemical release as long as you can afford a prescription. If you can’t then your local drug dealer will help you out as long as you’re willing to risk a prison sentence.

               I thank God and the Universe for introducing me to tango. I find all the aforementioned remedies to stress unappealing. I find tango dancing to be an organic outlet for stress. It is a homeopathic remedy for what really ails us.

               I was dancing with a woman last weekend.  She was nervous but I did not let that deter me from enjoying our union. The very fact that I could sense her anxiety made me feel good.

               With each song I could feel her working on putting it all together: sensing my lead, maintaining our connection and embellishing when she could. It was easy to discern the pressure she was putting on herself to perform her role in this dance to her satisfaction.

               She must have high standards because she was an incredibly delightful partner.

               By the end of the night we had shared three tandas together. When we parted for the last time, she said, sounding amazed, “That was fun!”

               There was something about the way she spoke those words, as an honest expression of her emotional state that gave me a good feeling lasting until the middle of the week. I went home, bought an Xbox One and gave up drinking forever. Tango is the only cocktail for me from now on.

For more of the Kayak Hombre, read my book Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure or River Tango. Available on Amazon.com in paperback or Kindle.

The Anti-Social Tango Dancer

I was just reading Joe Yang's blogpost on people who prefer traditional tango to those who rebel against it. He is a tango instructor in the Madison, Wisconsin area and an excellent DJ. For some strange reason his post reminded me that I am anti-social.
A lot of tango dancers are introverts. This may seem odd but it is true. The reason it is odd is because dancing tango seems like such an extroverted activity.
The definition of an introvert is a shy, reticent, and typically self-centered person. I had to look up the definition of reticent which means not revealing one's thoughts or feelings readily.
This is me. I don't come to tango to socialize in the traditional manner. I find socializing difficult. I can do it but I find myself regretting things that I've said. That's because I am a writer. It takes me hours, sometimes days, to say what I mean.
This is not to say that I'm not good at socializing in the traditional manner. I am. That's because I'm half Irish and half Italian. I'm a gifted storyteller and I can talk with my hands. I can be interesting if the situation requires it.
     Dancing tango is my kind of socializing. I like the size of the audience within the tango embrace: one.
To me, my partner is everything. Tango is a conversation. With me, it is an intense conversation and not the kind of discourse I'd like to conduct with a group.
I train to converse in whatever form my partner finds pleasing, be it authentic tango or nuevo. My preparation is a continuing process.
When I go to a milonga I am looking to have one good conversation. There are things that I need another person to hear: I love women; work is hard; I am a passionate man.
Tango is not a one way street. I love that it goes both ways and I am prepared to listen but I want to hear something real. Are you scared? Can you overcome your anxiety and move to the music?
Say whatever you want but please, say it to the beat.



For more of the Kayak Hombre, read my book Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure or River Tango. Available on Amazon.com in paperback or Kindle.

Addendum: On Getting More Dance Invitations

In my previous blogpost, Getting More Dance Invitations, I forgot to mention the most important thing: making tango fun!
Last night, at the milonga in Madison, I danced with a woman who is just beginning her tango education. She is disciplined and on her way to becoming a skilled dancer but it was obvious she was not yet able to relax within my embrace.
Over the course of a night, we shared three tandas together. She was stiff at the beginning of the first tanda but loosened up a little by the third song. After the end of the second tanda, she much more relaxed and began attempting more daring embellishments.
Near the end of the night, immediately after the end of a tanda with another tanguera, I saw her leaving the dance floor and cabeceo'd her once more. She readily accepted.
When we finished, she said enthusiastically, "That was fun!"
I remembered her words as I made the long drive home and it felt nice to be someone's good time. I also enjoyed our encounters.
Then it occurred to me that this was the key to getting more dance invitations: making the dance fun. After all, isn't that really what we're after? 

On Getting Repeat Invitations

               At practica, a tanguera asked me why a man, if asked to choose between two ladies of equal abilities and appeal, decides on one repeatedly and not the other.

               I answered, too quickly, that the woman who succeeds in convincing him that she enjoyed their engagement the most was the obvious winner. On the long ride home, I realized that my statement needed further clarification.  

               Here in Wisconsin there are two women who enjoy dancing with me. They are the same age and skill level but I seek out one and not the other. When we dance, I feel they are both delighted to the same degree with my offerings.

               What then is the difference between the two?

               The only thing I can discern is that one always seeks to catch my eye and the other does not. The former makes me feel trapped.  Just as the follower needs to feel free within the embrace, so too does the leader need to feel in making the invitation.

               How women let men know they are available without imparting the sensation of confinement is a mystery to me but I must tell you that I like it…a lot!



For more of the Kayak Hombre, read my book Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure or River Tango. Available on Amazon.com in paperback or Kindle.