Silence of the Lambs

                Yesterday I saw a hawk in the middle of the road, standing on top of its prey, an unfortunate pigeon. It was a Cooper’s Hawk and the pigeon was not yet dead. The main course on the hawk’s dinner menu that night was not too happy about the circumstances and it popped its head up to object. With nary a ruffle of its feathers the hawk clamped a large claw over the pigeon's head. Its talons squeezed tightly and the hawk took the other bird’s life with the cold heart of a natural born killer.

               As I drove home last night I thought about that event and how the instinct to kill for food is within us all. If the accipiter failed to end the life of its victim efficiently, it might get hurt. This kind of bird slaughters other animals daily; it probably has chicks to feed and failure is not an option. So it was for the primordial hunter who had to provide for the members of his clan. If he was not an emotionless executioner on the hunt others might starve.

               We possess many instincts which we suppress because society has laws to persuade us not to act on them. These are feelings like lust, jealousy, obsession and more. We think of them as the dark side of ourselves and often forget about them until an essay like mine reminds us about them or we hear about them in the news when people break the laws we are meant to obey.

               I cannot help but wonder if the reason social tango has so many rules, or ‘codigos’, is to protect its practitioners from the primal emotions that are triggered as a result of the tango embrace. When two people of the opposite sex come together and move to the tango music, a perilous chemical reaction occurs. 

               Some of the rules of tango are meant to protect one partner from the other. Some rules ensure the enjoyment of the group is maintained. The need for such guidelines can be found in abundance once a person stops thinking of himself as an individual and acquires the perception that he is half of a couple and one member of a crowd.

               There are many Codigos del Tango and they are very important so I’ll refer you to the Tango Therapist for an in-depth explanation of what they are: http://tango-therapist.blogspot.com/p/tango-etiquette_10.html

               Using my own experiences as an example, I’ll illustrate why the code of silence is so necessary when two strangers share a dance.  There should be no conversation between two unfamiliar persons except at the completion of their engagement. Here, the words, “thank you very much,” and, “my pleasure,” are exchanged and not much else; no relationship status inquiries, no phone number requests, etc.

               Guys, every woman knows immediately when a man is hitting on her. You might think you’re being very clever but this is something they have a lot of experience with, unlike you who has probably just written new material for this line of questioning and naively believes your ulterior motive will not be detected. It is my guess that, as soon as they grow hips and boobs, girls are dodging one-liners from the moment they walk out the door in the morning until they close it behind them at the end of the day.

               For several years I danced with a young Polish woman whom I found incredibly attractive. I was 48 at the time and I guessed her age to be in the late twenties. ‘Attractive’ is not the right word. To me she seemed fresh like a baguette just out of the oven, as ripe as a freshly picked strawberry at the end of May and as innocent as a baby fawn lying in the tall grass down by the river on a hot day in early June.

               She was a novice tanguera when I met her. Whenever I scanned the room at the Dance Manhattan practica on Saturday afternoons, I was sure to find her looking to me with her beautiful doe-like eyes and a huge smile. When she stood to join me for our first dance I noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra. It was all I could do to keep myself from gawking.

               Her ochos were very polished but her boleos were non-existent. Over the course of six months we worked on boleos and other basic movements. Initially she lacked confidence in herself and I encouraged her with my honest opinion that she moved elegantly and that I was absolutely enchanted with her efforts.

               I had to be very careful what I said to her because the wrong words would have destroyed her self-esteem and she might disappear forever. I was infatuated with her and her absence would be a tremendous blow to my machismo. Except for my words of support, I spoke very little to her and only when prompted. If I said anything more my true feelings would have been revealed and she might reject me. That would have been an injury that I don’t think my ego could have handled at the time. I might even have stopped dancing tango.

               An old man’s attraction to a younger woman is one of those instincts from the dark side of our ids. Back in the day of sticks and stone ages, an older man might have to impregnate the younger girls in the tribe if some calamity claimed the lives of all the available young bucks.

               If I hadn’t been a father heavily involved in raising two teenage daughters I might have made a fool of myself, so great was the temptation to do so. I’m glad I didn’t. She didn’t need a lover, especially a poor, overweight, older man like me. She needed the man I was for her: a skilled leader who would patiently work with her on new movements with no strings attached.

               One day she showed up with a boyfriend. I was so jealous. When I scanned the room and my eyes came upon her she was always looking the other way. I'm certain she had guessed how I felt about her. My heart pined for her yet I was glad that she had found happiness in another man and satisfaction with her dancing that I had helped refine.

               I can imagine a primitive tribe of homo sapiens being overrun by a competing clan. At times like these I’d bet that an emotion like jealousy, combined with a super-sized shot of adrenalin, would come in handy. It could help a man fight more ferociously for a girl he’d been hoping would carry his DNA to the finish line and beyond.

               My young tanguera didn’t dance with me for over a year. One day she showed up at Dance Manhattan and I could tell that her relationship was floundering because she looked at me right away and smiled. When we danced it was like heaven! I’m so glad I kept my mouth shut and didn’t do anything awkward that would have driven a wedge between us.

               We both needed each other but we needed to keep our relationship confined to our time together on the dance floor. If it was not for the codigo de silencio between partners, I would have let a wonderful relationship pass me by on the River of Life.

               We enjoyed many more encounters for at least another year before I lost my job and began traveling in search of a paycheck.

               In the course of my infatuation for that young woman I experienced so many temptations that I successfully suppressed. In our initial encounters I desperately desired to stare at her breasts long enough to burn a mental picture of them into my brain. The internet called out for me to ‘friend’ her on Facebook. As her body moved around me I was presented with countless opportunities let myself linger against her for an inappropriate length of time.

               I did none of these things. The reason I let these enticements pass is because I learned something from my previous relationships with women and in raising two daughters. I learned that women must be respected above all else. 

               Eventually I would realize that this is also the number one rule of tango. This dance is all about the woman. If I am respectful of her I am also paying homage to us as a couple.

               Tango is a dangerous dance. It relies heavily on a connection between two participants bonded on an autonomic, often cosmic, level. In such a state, parts of us are exposed with which we have very little experience controlling. It is a brush with our primordial selves which brings us the greatest rush. We abide by the rules of this dance, not because we are mindless automatons whirling around in circles, but because we are dancing on the edge of a very high precipice and the rules are the guidelines that keep us from falling to a tragic demise.


Note: For an in-depth look into the mind of the Kayak Hombre, read his book, available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/River-Tango-perri-iezzoni/dp/1453865527/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369366756&sr=1-1&keywords=River+tango