Chapter 3: The Tango Embrace

Chapter Three

The Tango Embrace

                As a fledgling tanguero at practica, an extremely attractive tanguera confided in me that one of the men there had a super-duper embrace.

               “I just love (blank)’s embrace!” she exclaimed, loudly.

               She said this to help me understand there was something lacking in mine. She wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings but it stung all the same.

               There should be a college course on how to hold a woman. When a couple applies for a marriage license, the man should be handed an application form for the class. Only upon successful completion of the course can they be allowed to marry.  

               For me, steeling myself from a women’s sensuality was a big part of the problem I had with being in such an intimate position with a total stranger.  It was a constant battle to put away the infatuated little boy in me who kept taking over and immobilizing my brain. I needed to tap into my virile side: the former whitewater river guide, the father who had raised two children, the man who provided for them and protected them from harm.

               For three solid years, I worked on my embrace. It was difficult not to be overwhelmed by infatuation. Eventually, I was able to ignore a woman’s sensuality and focus on navigating. It turned out, this was half the problem; the other half was learning to relax. The more I relaxed, the more I began to notice that my partners were relaxing, too. 

               It was at this point that I realized tango was helping me overcome my problems with intimacy.

               Until this time, I eschewed all forms of physical contact unless it was with my wife or kids. I always attributed this to growing up in a large family and being packed, sardine-like, into our yellow, Rambler station wagon.

               My armchair psychiatrist friends always diagnosed my problem as homophobia. In a way, they might have been right. Homophobia might be a defensive instinct I developed during childhood. I can remember several attempts by older males to molest me but I always managed to escape.  

               Once I got the embrace down, tango became a universe and I was Captain Kirk on the Starship Enterprise, on a five year mission to seek out strange new worlds…and dance with their women.

               Before I mastered the embrace, nervous women always seemed to be crazy. Afterwards, they were just nervous and it became a game to wait them out, to see if they would calm down.  The rewards were often great but not in a sexual way, as I would have wanted as a young man.

               I guess that age and experience had led me to appreciate Sexual’s cousin, Sensual, a lot more. Maybe overcoming my fear of intimacy allowed me to see the world through a different set of eyes. Now, I want to be part of the solution and I find immense gratification for being the vehicle through which a woman discovers tango and, possibly, her own cure.   

 

               The tango embrace is begun by a man and a woman joining together at the heart. Their shoulders and arms are back, held without tension. Their hips are separated so that only their ribs are together. In this position, the woman is free to break away and so it must be all throughout the dance.

               Joined thus, each person is exposed to the other. Their health, anxiety and possibly even their thoughts are available for the other to access. It is this vulnerability that is the essence of tango, the secret ingredient, the net with which their hearts are captured.

               A man, attempting to move to the rhythms of tango music, is biologically affected by his efforts, a primal reaction caused by the proximity of the opposite sex. This, in turn, causes her to exhibit a physical response of her own. This is called chemistry. When combined with tango music, the chemical reactions can be quite exhilarating for the participants.

               I often feel foolish in my attempts to lead, yet I am frequently surprised to find the lady in my arms enjoying the results of my efforts. I think women take pleasure in a man’s embarrassment as long as he is engaged in an endeavor to please them.

               When I sense my partner’s enjoyment, I become more virile; my back straightens, my chest protrudes. I’ve noticed that the change in my posture is usually reciprocated with a delightful repositioning of the follower’s frame.

               The key factor in all this is the woman’s sense of freedom. To the observer, it might not appear that the lady is unencumbered. She is not concerned with her audience; she is focused only on the dance. What matters to her is that she feels like a partner, not a captive. She must be at liberty to express the music through her own movements.

               To complete the coupling, the man offers his left hand to the woman at a comfortable level for her to easily place her right hand on his. Her hand joins his, like a bird landing on a tree branch. The supple limb yields beneath the bird’s weight while still providing support.

               His right arm wraps around her back without entrapping her or pushing her off balance. Usually, his hand is placed underneath her right shoulder blade but anywhere is fine, as long as she is comfortable with it being there.

               I find it doesn’t matter how the woman positions her left arm around me, just as long as she keeps her diaphragm pressed to mine as best as she can. If I know that she can feel my intention, the direction in which I want her to go, then I am satisfied. 

               Now we are ready to move. Here is where all the time we spent practicing pays off. It is not easy to move in this position without knocking your partner off his/her balance. With my heart, I ask her to step backwards, sideways or towards me; I could also invite her to pivot or shift her weight to her other foot.

               Or I can do nothing and simply enjoy her embrace, the sound of the music, the feel of her touch and the smell of her hair, for this is tango and this is where the passion is expressed: in the pauses.

Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure is available on Amazon, just click this link. Reviews, good or bad, on Amazon and Goodreads would be greatly appreciated.