The Sad Truth About Americans and Tango

               My knee hurts. It’s been hurting ever since I learned how to lead a pasada, a tango move in which the leader invites the follower to pass over his outstretched foot. I think I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with me: I don’t know how to walk.

               I find this statement comical. In the many workshops I’ve attended, the instructors are always telling us that we need to walk naturally, particularly the foreign born teachers. I don’t think they realize that walking is not a natural activity for Americans.

               We drive everywhere. I once heard a British comedian make a joke about how to identify an American. It was simple, he said, all you need to do is ask them one question: walk or drive?

               We are also averse to the human condition known as 'sweating'. As billions of dollars in advertising has informed us over the years, sweating is to be avoided at all costs.Thankfully, products have been created to help us remedy this awful condition often resulting from walking too much, too fast and too far. 

                I guess that's why antiperspirants are an $18 billion industry. 

               The dried sweat of Americans is a markedly reprehensible aroma. There’s good reason for this: we don’t eat well. Fortunately, our poor diets help sustain an even larger industry that is helping us spread our culinary habits around the globe.

               When we sweat, our odor tends to take on the fragrances of the food we consume. If all you eat is fried food and processed meat, it is probably best that you don’t sweat in the presence of people with whom you wish to make a good impression, like your tango partner.

               I remember the first time my aching knee became a problem; I was attending a workshop in NYC led by an instructor named Dragan.  He analyzed my movement and correctly concluded that I was putting too much weight on my extended leg. If I positioned my weight appropriately, I suffered no pain. If I did it wrong, the ache became excruciatingly obvious.

               That was five years ago and now the pain has returned. Oddly enough, it only hurts when I walk. When I backpack, jog or dance tango, there is no problem. I must conclude that I am doing something wrong in the process of walking.

               At fifty-three, I am realizing that it is necessary for me to retrain myself in some fundamental facts of life, like walking and eating.  

               My diet now consists of raw, or slightly cooked, vegetables, legumes and nuts, such as beets, radishes, tomatoes, peas, walnuts, etc.

               As for my walking, I am no longer trying to find the closest parking spot to the store. I am incorporating tango techniques into my movement: rotating my hips and shoulders, focusing on pushing off the standing leg and keeping my frame straight and centered over the weighted leg. 

               Once again, I find that Tango is not just a great metaphor for life, it is a guide for all on how to live our lives better.

p.s.  It's not too late to order a copy of my two books, River Tango and Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure, both available on Amazon and Kindle. They make great stocking stuffers!

                

              

              

               

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover

               The woman I spied across the room was not a covergirl for Cosmo. She had a pretty face and was a little on the heavy side. What attracted to me to her was the confidence in her stare as she caught me looking at her. I nodded towards the floor and she accepted with a slight tilt of her head, unperturbed.

               She wore a bright red dress and smelled…clean, like she’d just gotten out of the shower. There was a feint whiff of perfume but not so much to distract me from her natural body odor. Her soft, tight curls bounced slightly as she rose and proceeded to follow me to the dance floor.

               When we embraced, her pleasingly plump body filled my arm and she felt comfortably familiar in my grasp. Her breasts were very large and mashed into my frame like a pair of incredibly soft pillows. She sensed my satisfaction and I could feel her taking pleasure from that.

               She was dignified, warm and absolutely at ease in her own frame.

               When we dance tango, a partner’s lack of self esteem sometimes burns through the embrace like a foiled roux. The harder we try to ignore it, the more it blackens and ruins the soup.

               As I moved and invited her to join me, I was aware of her intense desire for more time. There was a dominatrix inside her and it told me that I needed to wait until she was finished with her movement before I began the next step.

               I obeyed. An immense sigh of relief welled up inside her and rushed into me like a warm wind before a thunderstorm. All she wanted was just a little respect and I was the one who gave it to her. In return, I was granted the prize: an ocean of gratitude and a virtual Fourth of July fireworks display of passion and musicality.

               The uncertainty had been there all along but she refused to let it show until she was convinced that I was worthy.

               Her delicate feet traced delightful circles on the floor in such a way that the vibrations ran up her full-figured frame and into my very soul. As we danced, I could see her for what she truly was: a skilled dancer and a very sensual tanguera.

               She gave herself to me and together we headed to the upper atmosphere. Nothing was hidden as we embraced each other. In her movements, she ran with the wind and sang at the top of her lungs! She had been holding so much inside that it all came out like a dam whose walls had been breached.

               Three songs passed in an instant. I let our connection linger for a few seconds after the last note had played. It was an eternity. In that brief span of time, I could tell she was savoring the memory of our encounter, drawing it all in like a big breath; it made me feel wonderful and appreciated.

               It was time for us to part company.

               She looked at me for a brief moment and our eyes met. I could tell that she was almost afraid to look at me, fearful that she might see something that would ruin the moment. She couldn’t resist and, when our eyes met, her brows raised in short-lived glee before she turned away.

               I escorted her back to her chair, thanked her profusely and found my way back to my seat. I did not dance the next few tandas, savoring the memory of our encounter for as long as I could.

               It is still with me now, four months later, as I sit in this drab hotel room, looking at the frost forming on the window. It is cold outside and yet, I am burning on the inside from the warmth of a flame in my memory of that sensuous woman.

  

The Physics of Tango

Girls Behaving Badly

               Recently, a very experienced tanguera complained to me about the slutty tactics employed by other women to get dances. The things she said, such as tangueras removing their panties, seemed very vulgar. She was extremely upset and she used the F-word for emphasis.

               It is not unusual for a bra to disappear after a lady slips out of sight and reappears seconds later, but I never figured they’d go so far as to lose their panties. I’ve never been consciously aware of the absence of panty lines but they must register with a man subconsciously or else why would women be doing it?

               I am in awe of the opposite sex’s talent for influencing my behavior. I am equally amazed at my inability to realize that I have been manipulated until much later. I have to believe women do this instinctively and that it is not a learned process.

               Until I became a proficient leader, I always thought those nice ladies chatting with me on the sidelines were truly interested in having a conversation. Now I know they were only looking for dance invitations.

               Men don’t understand women at all, yet, I think there are times when a woman also doesn’t understand the reasons behind her own actions.

               There was an article in the New York Times on the competitive nature of women. What it said reminded so much of tangueras vying for the attention of the leaders at a milonga and the inevitable sniping that occurs as a result.

               The article referenced research done by Susan B. Hrdy, yes Hrdy, on Langur monkeys in India. It seems these monkeys kill their babies periodically and the prevailing theory was that these primates did this to reduce overcrowding.

               Dr. Hrdy proved that the infanticide happened after an invasion of males from an outside tribe. As the alpha males integrated with the group, they would kill nursing babies in order to force the females to ovulate sooner. This increased their chances of copulating with the conquered females and introducing their DNA into the subjugated tribe before possibly being overthrown by other raiders.

               After further study, she noticed that the female Langurs employed a counter-strategy against the baby-murdering invaders by having sex with as many males as possible, the victors and the defeated. This makes paternity more difficult to prove and the confusion probably saves the lives of many baby monkeys.

                The female Langurs came up with a sexual answer to what they perceived as a threat to their offspring but their promiscuity created another problem: competition for the males.

               The article goes on to quote the findings of a clinical trial conducted at McMaster University by Tracy Vaillancourt and Aanchal Sharma, to document just exactly how women compete with each other.

               They secretly recorded young women sniping at other young women who were dressed seductively.  

               They called this process slut-shaming and it seemed to me to be exactly what the woman I mentioned earlier was doing when she was complaining to me. This may not seem like news but it does go a long way towards explaining the social and biological forces affecting women's behavior at a milonga.

               My conclusion is that, at times, a woman may subconsciously be motivated to make herself available to as many men as possible. This conduct could be some sort of biological and sociological response to unknown forces at work in her social network. The milonga provides the perfect opportunity to quench the fire burning within her.

               At a tango gathering, she can satisfy her desire to dance with an abundance of leaders. If she is not lucky, then she must be cunning. 

               I have to guess that she experiences a tremendous amount of guilt the first time she emerges from the ladies’ room sans undergarments; I think she knows what she’s doing is indignant but she must answer the call of the wild.

               Not every woman hears that phone ringing at the milonga but they know what is happening and they feel threatened. Sniping occurs.

               Dancing tango is not a sport for children or monkeys, nor is it for the timid or those who are easily upset by the opinions of others. We expose ourselves when we join the crowd and seek a partner.

               In tango, it is important for all dancers to keep a tight leash on their primal inclinations. I don’t think the removal of underwear is necessarily a bad thing. This act is kind of like fireworks: if they’re used to amuse, there is no problem; if they’re used to blow up a house, then we got trouble.

               Growing up during the sexual revolution, I was inundated with constant reports of the ways that women have been repressed throughout history. When I read The Histories by Herodotus, the first written account of the various cultures of his time, around 450 B.C., I could discern no repression, only that the sexes had different roles in society: men fought wars and women bore children.

               And so it is in Argentine Tango, men and women have different roles. When girls behave badly to get asked to dance, they are merely reacting to the external forces generated by the people in their lives. This does not go unnoticed by the other ladies at the milonga, who, in turn, get catty. 

               Slut-shaming is a female phenomenon and a natural reaction to a perceived threat.  As long as it is only a verbal release, I think it is probably a healthy emotional behavior. We are, after all, only humans. We’re not perfect and we don’t have to pretend that we are.

Talk to Me, Baby!

               Sometimes I take great pleasure in dancing with a novice tanguera who talks compulsively. I don’t pay attention to the words, just their meaning: she is relaxed. The effect of the tango embrace can be overwhelming for a newbie and an uncontrollable river of seemingly disconnected statements is often the result.

               It makes me feel good to know that I did this; that I am part of some sort of healing process and that I’m making the world a better place.

               Her realization that she feels safe with me is a trigger for the cloud to burst. She doesn’t understand that my ability to connect with her and to make her feel secure is an acquired skill necessary for all leaders of this dance. 

               I’m not sure what she’s thinking but I can tell that she’s relieved. A deluge ensues and becomes a swollen stream that has been held back for years, maybe even decades.

               This may be hard for many milongueros to believe but sometimes people need something more than music and physical contact with another human being. Some new dancers find that they have an irresistible urge to talk and it doesn’t matter what they say, only that they let the words out.

               A major reason for language is the human species’ need to communicate. Our verbal correspondence allows us to do more than just convey information. There are health benefits derived from the use of our vocal chords.  

               Our desire to speak is not satiated if our words fall on deaf ears; there must be a recipient. This is the bane of many marriages, possibly even mine. Too often, men hear the words of their spouses but fail to exhibit the signs that indicate they are listening.

               I love to talk. I enjoy the meter of the words as they fall from my tongue. I delight in the emphasis of the syllables. I constantly strive to find just the right word for a sentence to complete its meaning and its melody. Most importantly, I need to gauge the impact my words have on others.

               I was ‘shushed’ many times when I first started dancing tango. This was not the kind of feedback I was expecting. It seemed to me that I was being unfairly singled out at the time, but later, I would come to learn that the mood of the crowd dictates when conversation is appropriate. 

               This is why a particular milonga can be loud and clamoring one week and sensuously silent the next.

               Tango helps us refine our innate talent for sensing the emotions of the people around us. That is why it is important to consider the effect your actions have on your partner as well as the other dancers at the milonga.

               As I became a better leader, I accepted the responsibility of staying on the receiving side of any dialog during the dance. I came to realize that listening is an act of compassion and a tool for healing. It is an art form and an obligation we owe to the community we serve.

               Ultimately, the best dances happen when both partners are listening and responding to each other with movement and passion, not with words. This takes a long time to learn.

               Very rarely has the talkative tanguera made it to a full blown milonga, she is usually in the very first stages of her tango therapy, at a beginners class, or at one of the many small practicas I’ve attended all across the United States. Sooner or later, she will be silenced by the codigos del tango but, until that happens, I am here for her: ready, willing and listening. Maybe one day, she and I will dance and we will conduct our discussion through our dance and not with our words.

My new book, Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure is available online at Amazon.com. 

The Perfect Partner

               Tango is an attempt by two people to spontaneously choreograph, together, their individual interpretations of a piece of music.

               That’s a pretty complex statement but it is the reasoning behind the colloquialism that says, “In tango, there are no mistakes.”

               Once a person accepts this idiom for what it is, The Truth, then he or she can discontinue the pursuit of the perfect dance because it is an unattainable goal, and carry on with the real reason why we dance tango: to find the perfect partner.

               I encounter many novices, and even some not-so-new dancers, who are obsessed with absolutes.

               “I was told never to do this,” they say, or, “I was told always to do that.”

               There are no ‘nevers’ nor are there any ‘always’.  There is only your balance and the fundamentals: forward, back, side, pivot, in-place, pause….and your partner.

               What makes a perfect partner? One way to find out is to dance tango with as many different people as possible. When you find the right one, and there may be several or maybe just one, you will know it but not right away.

               On the drive home or sometime the next day, it will occur to you that there was chemistry between you and a particular dancer. The perfect partner is not a person, it is the memory of a person you danced with when everything was just right: music, mood and tempo.

The Tango Trance

               Candace Pert, Ph.D., the New Age scientist who discovered the opiate receptor in the brain, references research in her novel Molecules of Emotion by a famous psychiatrist and hypnotherapist, Milton H. Erickson. I put down her book and read a few of his Wikipedia entries on the hypnotic process. The work of these two scientists does much to explain a phenomenon most tango dancers are quite familiar with, the tango trance.

               In Dr. Pert’s book, she theorizes that our emotions shape our perception of reality and, consequently, how we remember things. If we experience a terrifying event, our emotions may cause us to block it out. Our bodies, she says, and not just the brains, are where our memories are stored. Our bodies are capable of processing so much data that it is impossible for a person to remember it all, so our body-mind subconsciously selects which events to keep and which to ignore.

               As a child, we remember grandmom’s pies smelling and tasting particularly good; we record that as a pleasurable memory. At the time, however, our parents may have been fighting or bombs may have been exploding all around us and yet we still remember that occasion as a happy moment.

               Later, when we encounter that same smell, we recall that incident and become elated by it, even though there may have been so many bad things happening around us at that time.

               The same may be said about hearing a particular sound, or song. If we associate it with a happy or sad event, it may cause us to experience the same emotion when we hear it again.

               Dr. Erickson writes that the confused person is the most easily hypnotized. He reveals his methods to induce a trance with a handshake. During this seemingly innocuous salutation, he distracts that person by grabbing their wrist. He continues to divert the patient’s attention in such a way until he is finally ready to implant a suggestion into their subconscious.

               Often, I find myself dancing tango with a woman who is a nervous wreck. She finds this dance extremely difficult and is uncertain as to why she continues to pursue it. If I am calm and distracting, I can make her believe that she can dance tango. If I can prevent her from constantly analyzing her perceived faults, she can easily accept that she is indeed dancing and doing it well.

               If I am successful, she will remember this experience as pleasurable. If I am not successful, then, hopefully, she can block out this experience from her memory.

               The occurrence of the tango trance differs from a hypnotherapy session in that it can be a shared experience for the couple dancing as well as by the people around them.

               I’d like to take Dr. Pert’s and Dr. Erickson’s theories one step further. There is a collective body-mind-universe and it stores memories in things like the smell of the ocean, the sight of a star-filled sky and the sound of music.

               Tango dancers are drawn together because we are spiritually wounded and overwhelmed by the stimulation of a technological society that is always increasing in complexity. There is too much for us to comprehend so we block it out and find our way to the milonga. 

               There, we remember a time when things were simpler because the memory has been stored in the music by our collective consciousness.

               When we take up this dance, we are bewildered because tango is an illusion. A thought is planted into our brains that we can learn how to move on our own balance and we do. Subconsciously, we find the answer to the question we didn’t know how to ask: where is the balance in our lives?

               In a world where we are constantly multitasking, nothing could be more simple than a dance that requires us to move only one step at a time.

p.s. Don't forget to check out my new book for sale on Amazon: Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure.