R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Find Out What It Means

Where am I now? Physically-speaking, I dance mostly in Philadelphia/NYC/DC/Pittsburgh area. Location in tango is not necessarily an actual place but rather it can be a point on the path to learning. Since I came back from my tango travels across America, I’ve returned to find ganchos severely lacking. The question is not, “why aren’t my followers following my lead for ganchos?” It is, instead, “why do I keep leading ganchos when I know she doesn’t do them?” The answer is: it’s me….it’s always me.

And that’s where I am at these days. I can’t say exactly where it is that I am but, if I write about it maybe we will both find out my location. This is tango and understanding subtle nuance is the key to navigation.

I could easily say I am working on connection but that would be too simplistic. The quick assumption is that she is not responding to my body language or I am not communicating my intentions clearly. Those are mute points once I realize that we failed to execute the maneuver as I had hoped. Try it again? Not so soon, wait a minute….literally.

I somehow think that waiting just a minute is my problem: Sixty seconds later I try to lead the movement once more and find I have been discovered. She senses I am ‘man-splaining’ a maneuver to her and our connection begins to fall apart. The song ends and I recover with a kind compliment but I always suspect she found my performance lacking.

It took me ten years to get here and I realize with greater clarity that I am still a beginner. I somehow made it to adulthood lacking any knowledge of intergender etiquette. This is the part of the lesson that Argentine’s teach when they instruct Americans in the ways of tango that is not broken down into a set of exercises and drills. It is a lesson given by example, in the rapport between the leader and the follower, how he always apologizes for his mistakes/rudeness/absent-mindedness. The follower is never wrong.

It has been my experience that male Argentine instructors work tirelessly to maintain the integrity of a female instructor/student/passerby. This is an integral part of the dance: maintaining respect for the follower to the point where she feels she can take it for granted.

That is where I am at, the point on the path where I struggle to know the meaning of the word ‘respect’. It does not mean unending adulation. It is to be aware of a woman’s emotional ecology and to tend to it. It is not okay, I believe, to worship her and to avoid challenging her would be the greatest sin of the entire tanda.

Here, then, is my location, the last song of the tanda and I feel it is time. I avoided the maneuver until now. I take a deep breath and hope for the best. Can I have a gancho, please?

Love, Infatuation and Tango

Love, Infatuation and Tango

I saw her again last night and five years of intervening events were wiped away in an instant. The problem with chemistry is that it is primal not logical. To control it takes a zen-like discipline and even that may not be enough. I am in control but maybe that is just the illusion I create for myself to allow me to focus on my work and the task of settling back into my life in Pennsylvania. It is horrible and wonderful at the same time that, at fifty-six years of age I am still able to experience such emotions.

It is tango.

It is Lady X.

It is infatuation.

She is not the only one who haunts my dreams, she is just the latest.

Tango has become more about the milonga than it is about learning how to dance. It is about partnerships and in the choosing of them. It is about connection and playing with the rhythm, playing with her TO the rhythm.

I am in love with this dance. It’s been a ten year long journey but I am at the place where I can reap its rewards and appreciate how it has changed my world-view. Women are still sex objects but they are so much more than that. They are to be respected and respect is the key ingredient in a good connection.

Lady X, oh how I’ve longed for her but, when we danced, I gave her the respect she needed, the respect that I needed to give her in order to fulfill my role as the leader, to clear my mind and lead well. In doing this, she became a real person to me. A woman who would wake up the next day with the same set of obstacles to confront just as I do.

She was rusty and off-balance but she felt nice. Her bosom pressed into me and it felt nice but I did not let myself get carried away yet I felt she might have enjoyed that. Consider that thought for a moment...she might have enjoyed me getting carried away with my infatuation with her je ne sais quoi. I didn’t and in doing so I kept it all about the dance, about the milonga.

If I’d have let myself go maybe the chemistry between us would have been overwhelming for her and we’d have shot off like rockets, got a hotel or taken a vacation or who-knows-what and it would have surely fizzled because it is just chemistry. Chemistry can be a catalyst but it can also be an IED on the Road of Life.

There is more to life than tango but I need to feel these things or else dedicate my life to a pursuit of material things and that is not going to happen.

She will be back, I hope, and when she does return we will dance again and enjoy the specialness of the encounter. I have no idea of what the experience is like for her but I am in control….just barely. I am living on the edge of life and it is a perilous drop on either side of me.