Cabeceo and Our Fear of Rejection

     Fear of rejection seems to be a common theme in many of the conversations I have with other milongueros. While participating in a tango workshop this weekend, it occurred to me that the reason a great number of us dance tango is because we believe it is best to confront that horror directly. Putting ourselves in a position where we are vulnerable to multiple rejections from members of the opposite sex, seems to be a homeopathic cure for something we may perceive as an emotional weakness; it is a remedy where poison is treated by introducing it to a greater poison.

     Many times in my life I’ve confronted my fears in this manner. I assaulted my acrophobia with a brief career as a rock climber. When I was a young whitewater kayaker, I constantly put myself on waters that were increasingly more dangerous until one day I found myself in the middle of the North Atlantic on a 40’ sailboat in a force nine gale and 35’ seas. In my journeys I struggled to discern if my fear was a natural activation of the need to flee to safety or a state of anxiety arising from a sudden absence of comfort.

     Eventually I surmised it was not necessary to push the boundaries of comfort so far that it was beyond my ability to easily comprehend a solution. I resolved to let Life decide when to throw me into the storm and that to do so voluntarily was suicidal.

      So here I was, once again, contemplating fear but this time it was my fear of rejection from the unknown tanguera. The rules of engagement for the milongas after each day of classes presented a new set of boundaries I had not encountered before and, choosing to abide by the rules completely, I found myself delightfully afraid yet totally capable of fleeing to a point of safety if need be, e.g. a glass of wine:-)

     The organizers of the event decided we would strictly adhere to the codigos de tango(codes of tango). This meant using cabeceo to invite a lady onto the dance floor as well as dancing in a close embrace known as ‘milonguero-style’. Cabeceo is the technique with which a dance invitation is initiated and relies heavily on eye contact; upon acknowledgment between the two dancers, the man walks across the floor and escorts the woman into the line of dance. For this to be performed correctly the men need to be on the opposite side of the room from the ladies.

     I normally don’t rely solely on cabeceo but this weekend I forced myself to use it and nothing else. To be honest, if I didn’t have a date that I am EXTREMELY interested in, I don’t think I would have made it but I did. From the discussions I had with my partner and with other tangueras I was able to derive a topic for this week’s blogpost.

     Friday night was easy because we arrived late and I mostly danced with ladies I knew. I think I only invited two strangers to the floor before the DJ was announcing, “Last Tanda!”

     On Saturday, given the advantage of having introduced myself and my tango skills to a number of tangueras during the course of the day’s classes, I still was not prepared for the night’s events. The dancing started early, at 7:30 and the milonga lasted until midnight. My partner and I arrived late and ate, so it was 8:30 before I hit the dance floor but that still left a lot of time for cabeceo:-(

     By 9:30 I had already danced with my date twice and I had danced with the girls I knew and the two new ones I had met the night before.  It was now time to employ eye-contact with a complete stranger, not knowing if I would be successful or not. Girl #1 eluded my gaze for two songs before shaking her head to let me know for certain I was not going to succeed. I waited for the tanda to end before attempting another visual invitation and failed in the exact same manner.

     I was devastated.

     Once again I ran through the list of females I had danced with before, hitting my girlfriend up twice, who didn’t seem to mind at all. Then I sat down and retreated into an area of safety with a glass of wine. I was in a funk but the alcohol and the music improved my disposition considerably whereupon I gladly danced with all the aforementioned ladies once more as well as adding a new one to the list: the hostess. I’m not sure if she counts but I will take it because she seemed to honestly enjoy my efforts.

     By Sunday night everyone was getting good at cabeceo. I got shot down by four new ladies but I accomplished this in record time. I did succeed, however, with two other girls who got added to last night’s list and I managed to have a thoroughly good time until the end of the evening.

     I realized what today’s post was going to be about by 10 p.m. Saturday and began interviewing tangueras to get their thoughts on the subject of rejection before the weekend workshop ended. Not surprisingly, I seemed to get the best responses when we were eating, either at the desert table (where I spent a lot of time devouring half a dozen of the most incredibly delicious cupcakes I’ve ever encountered:-) or at the lunch table on Sunday.

     One woman told me that when the man breaks the close embrace she takes this as a sign of rejection. This was big news to me as it was something I did all the time; I love to let a woman flow in and out of my arms during the course of the dance and look for a partner who feels comfortable doing that. She also said that a man refusing to engage in close embrace was also the source for more rejection. At this I felt really bad because I spent almost my entire time in Albuquerque, six weekends of milongas, forcing women to dance with me in open embrace because they did not successfully convince me they were capable, in the first two seconds, of dancing milonguero-style without strangling me.

     In an emotionally charged and confidential conversation (but not too confidential for me to tell you;-), a tanguera told me that she believed men come to the dance looking for sex but women arrive seeking approval. Approval, she confided, gave her confidence that men still found her alluring and that in itself was a source of power as far as she was concerned. With that power she could still get her man to climb a set of stairs with a load on his back and that was all she really needed them for anyway.

     My final interview yielded those most startling insight of all: breaking the embrace immediately after the song has ended, especially if the encounter has been a most enjoyable experience for her, was a source of rejection for her and she felt certain the same applied to most followers. I thought back to the many pleasurable tangos I’d had and how I had done exactly as she said because I was so afraid of her interpreting my lingering embrace as a sign that I was looking for something in addition to the dance. WOW!!!

               So there you have it, my fellow tangueros, you are not alone in experiencing those feelings of anxiety when you are at a milonga, feelings that make you want to drown your sorrows in a puddle of wine. As always, I hope this blog has been a service to you and to the tangueras, as well. If there is anything you’d like to add, please feel free to comment below. Don't be afraid to offend me, I'm a big boy, I've been rejected by many of the best tangueras in the world :-D LOL!!!

Peave, Love, Tango

Kayak  Hombre


Note: Check out my new book on Amazon: Fear of Intimacy and the Tango Cure.

Note: For an in-depth look into the mind of the Kayak Hombre, read his book, available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/River-Tango-perri-iezzoni/dp/1453865527/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369366756&sr=1-1&keywords=River+tango