After
seven years of tango, I’m finally getting the hang of cabeceo. For the
uninitiated, cabeceo is the ‘system’ by which dance invitations are delivered,
accepted and rejected.
A man searching for a dance partner looks at the woman he desires and waits until
she returns his gaze. If her desire is the same as his, she nods and waits for
him to accompany her to the floor. If she doesn’t wish to dance with him, then
she quickly looks away.
The
first part of that scenario is easy to understand; the second part is not so
easy.
As I
grow older, it becomes increasingly clear that women are experts when it comes
to observing men clandestinely. I’m not sure why this is but I have a few
theories.
First,
women are hyper-sensitive to their surroundings. A man might walk into a pool
and see the water; a woman walks into the pool and sees the water and her
reflection in the waves, then she wonders if the reflection makes her look
fat:-)
Applying
this theory to the grocery store. A man turns the aisle and immediately spies a
lady to check out. By the time he sees her, the woman has been aware of his
trajectory for at least thirty seconds and has arranged a chance encounter
after seeing the reflection of his reflection in the glass doors on the frozen
food aisle, two rows away.
My
second theory is that women can read minds and don’t need to look at us to see
us staring at them. This would go a long way towards explaining why so many of
my cabeceos never achieve eye contact.
Finally,
I think it is entirely possible that women can see into the future. I’ve
explored this in a series of blogposts under the titles Tango Zombies and The Witches
of La Befana. I’m certain there is more to the phenomenon known as woman’s intuition than meets the eye.
This theory leads me to believe that the women I’ve cabeceo’d unsuccessfully, have
not only seen me looking at them, they have also seen us dancing together and
decided that it was not worth their effort.
I don’t often
get the hint that my cabeceo has been rejected, although I am getting better at
it. I have to wonder if it is my lack of sophistication or that it is because I
am an American. I sometimes wonder that foreigners are much more attuned to
body language than we Americans are. These thoughts pass through my mind but I
am certain it is just that I’m thick-headed and naive.
Guys,
you’re probably wondering what to do after you’ve been rejected. Well, there’s
nothing you can do: just sit there and take it like a man. If it’s any
consolation, our female counterparts have been through this scenario many times
before.
We are,
however, not women. Remember the ladies who reject you and make a point not to offer them a cabeceo ever again. This may seem like cruel advice but you will find
that it is common practice among tangueros.
I think
there is a biological reason for this. Men handle rejection differently than
women. I experience feelings of hostility and often want to act out. Most
tangueros are like me: big babies. A big part of success in tango is in the acceptance of our flaws and in finding a harmless, yet satisfying, way to channel our feelings. Look to the future and tell yourself that this rejection is the
bitter herb that makes your eventual success as sweet as honey.
I strongly urge you to by my book, River Tango, available now on Amazon. It will not only provide you with hours of enjoyment, it will also make you a more honest tango dancer.
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