I’m
fifty-three years old. I can remember when I thought forty was old. I know some people will not think this is very old but I am reasonably certain that a person in their twenties thinks it is very old.
Lately, we’ve
had quite a few young women, twenty-somethings, attending our practicas. Most
of our leaders are in their fifties, like me. The following post is for them and others like us who wonder about the best way to conduct themselves when
dancing tango with younger women.
First,
let me tell you a story.
I got
divorced when I was thirty-nine. One of the first things I did was to find a whitewater
rafting outfitter and renew my credentials as a river guide. On my first social adventures as a bachelor, I found
it difficult to look at other women in a sexual way.
By the
end of the spring season, the river water warmed up and temperatures increased.
There were many young ladies there, mostly college students or high school
graduates looking for a fun summer job. Being a friendly guy with lots of river
running experience, I became close to many of them. By summer, these girls
were wearing next to nothing and it was at that time that I began to look at
them with a hunger instead of as an androgynous river guide.
I didn’t
know how to deal with these feelings at the time and I struggled to come up with a respectable
solution. With no wife to stop me from foolish behavior, it didn’t take long
for me to conceive a course of action that I thought would be beneficial to all
involved.
My plan
was to see if I could get a date with the mother of a young lady I found
attractive. I figured that, if I liked her, her mother must be just as good and closer to my age. As I found myself engaged in pleasant conversation with a
young woman, I’d ask if her mother was single and if she thought her mom might
be amenable to dating a stranger.
In two weeks, I systematically pissed off
every female river guide at that facility.
I
embarrassed myself so bad that I had to leave. It was my first foray into the
world of dating and I had failed miserably. I was so unhappy with myself that I developed ‘dater’s block’: the inability to
proposition a member of the opposite sex to dinner or a movie. It would be
eight years before I could invite a woman to dinner or a movie...or
anything else.
Since I
had plenty of time to ponder the inappropriateness of my actions, I came up
with the following conclusions.
First,
never ask a girl what her mother is doing for dinner. This is wrong on so many
levels! I think the most obvious one that stands out is the fact that most young
ladies don’t like to think about their parents dating. It is a
distasteful scenario for them to conjure and anyone who forces them to do so
will be the subject of their ill will.
Second,
the aforementioned proposition says something else by what it does not say.
The word
she hears that are not spoken, are, “I would not like to go out with you.”
I found
the unintended message a surprise. Their reaction to it told me that, even
though I stood no chance of getting a date with these women, they still
expected to be treated like it was an option. What I said was disrespectful and respect is very important to a woman.
To this
day I still feel awkward when dancing tango with a young hottie. This is not
because I am sexually attracted to them, although that is always a possibility.
My discomfort stems for the enormity of the challenge I face when I embrace a
young tanguera. Another man in this situation might not have the same experience
as me but I would guess that any father of daughters would sympathize with me.
A young
woman is an atomic explosion waiting to happen. As a result of her actions, the
people she meets and the lovers she takes, the world will change significantly.
This is not necessarily so for a young man. If he has no aspirations, he might
be quite content to be a bump on a log at the hole in the bottom of the sea.
It is my
belief that, because women can have babies, they are tied into a cosmic strand
in the universe that allows them to sense what is, and what may be, in the
future. This affects them physiologically and they are often guided by this quantum
thread towards a destination that they can’t quite quantify.
This is something that must be taken into consideration when she is in your embrace. At this point in her brief life, she has not sufficiently developed her navigational skills when using her 'intuitive compass'. If you knock her off course, she might lose confidence in her path-finding abilities and never make her way to where she needs to be in the world.
This would be a tragedy!
As a seasoned tanguero, I have decided that it is best to keep a tight grip on my heart in these situations. She needs to experience the proper lead for a wide variety of movements and it is up to me to give her that. That she is dancing with me at all is incredibly delightful and I must be satisfied with this as a reward for my efforts and self-control.
I always
thought I would get over my unease with younger women as I danced more tango
but that is not the case. Several times I've failed to tether my heart and found myself extremely infatuated with a
partner half my age. Once I allow myself to imagine a scenario with the two of us as
lovers, it is as if a rocket has taken off and I am hanging onto it with a
rope. After
the fuels runs out, I find myself plummeting back to
Earth in a severe funk.
I’ve often seen other men my age, and older, on a similar celestial
journey. Having been on that trip, I can safely say that we can't help ourselves once the fuse has been lit. Everything she does is magnified in
our eyes. Her pleasure is our extreme pleasure, her dissatisfaction is our
hell.
It is
important to treat any tanguera with respect but even more so with the younger
ones. A more experienced lady will not be so easily offended by the stupid
things a man can say and do while in her close proximity. Chances are that a younger woman has been drawn to this dance for the same reason many others are: she has been wounded. She needs the comfort of another person’s body and to be guided around the dance floor to the
music in order to find true healing.
When I
think of the kind of injury a young woman must live with, I almost always
imagine sexual abuse. I ponder how awkward it must be to crave communal comfort
while simultaneously wanting to avoid exposure to a situation that puts her in
the arms of a strange man.
This is
the kind of problem tango deals with so well. However, the young woman must be
courageous enough to venture into the crowd and leave her fears behind. She
must permit herself to be vulnerable in order to find the relief that she intuitively desires.
Seven
years into my tango education, I can say that I am safely in control of my
emotions. Now, when I see old men dancing tango with young women, I can
appreciate the delicacy of the situation. One person is highly volatile and
the other is old enough to know better.
It is as
if they are dancing on a narrow ledge above a tall cliff. The sheer vastness
of the space below is constantly pulling them over the edge. Some will part
company safely but others will fall. It is a danger we all face when dancing
tango, the battle between our primordial selves and our desire to control our
own destiny. May the best man win.
For more insight into the mind of the Kayak Hombre, read his book, River Tango, available on Amazon:
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