Sex Sex Sex and Lady X

               A couple years ago, I found myself having dinner with a tanguera whom I desperately wanted to have sex with. I credit tango for getting me as far as the dinner table. I blame fate for allowing her girlfriend to accompany us. Sex between us was never meant to be. That’s how it was when I first started dancing tango: all I could think about was sex, sex, sex!

               Sex is not so much on my mind anymore but I often think about that encounter and speculate that there might be some clues in there as to how men and women think about sex.

               I had wanted this woman for a long time. It was merely a conquest thing. That’s how guys are.

               There are some women we look at and say, “I have to have sex with her.”

               That’s how women become trophy wives. When a man becomes obsessed with copulating with a woman, he might do anything to achieve his goal, even marry her. I’m certain the trophy-target might suspect what her true value in this relationship may be and play the game to her advantage, whatever that may be.

               The goals of men and women often differ. 

               When a man pursues a woman for sex, marriage is not necessarily an outcome, the destruction of a civilization could just as easily be the result, so powerful are the sexual dynamics between men and women. I offer the life of Eva Perón as a testament to the truth of what I say. She didn’t destroy Argentina but she seriously roiled that nation and it is roiled to this day.

               As we were eating, Lady X and her friend revealed that they thought I might be gay because I drove a Prius. Wow! What a blow to my machismo! She should have just asked me to put my penis on the table so she could cut it off. I don’t think it would have gone well with her Cobb salad.

               Lady X was a big part of my tango education. The first time I danced with her I felt that there was chemistry. That happens a lot in tango. The next time I invited her to dance she said no. The look on her face told me why: I needed to get better.

               In the year that followed, I worked on my dance. I danced with as many women as possible and took notes. When I thought that I was ready, I asked her to dance again and she accepted. Our encounter was ecstatic! When we parted she said I could ask her to dance again….anytime! Yet I could not have the next tanda because that was reserved for her beau who had just arrived:-( Boy, talk about emotional rollercoasters!

               Her beau was a tall carpenter. He was good-looking but he couldn’t dance a lick. I suspect she wasn’t interested in his dancing skills.

               That winter I started dancing in New York City and soon forgot about Lady X. A year later, I happened to see her again. Once again my desire for her was awakened and I made it a point to attend events I knew she frequented. Something told me, quite possibly my penis, that, if I got good enough at this dance, she might have sex with me. That sounds like a penis talking. Whatever voice I was hearing, I listened to it and focused on my ability to lead and move to the music with intensity.

               When I was young, I read a book about seagulls and the art of flying. It is called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It is about a boy and girl seagull dating as they are grow up. They are also learning how to fly. The girl leaves the boy and he puts all his efforts into being a consummate flyer. One day he becomes so good at it that he disappears….and then comes back…and so does his girlfriend.

               The moral of the story is, if you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you then it is yours forever. That is not the lesson I gleaned from this short novel. I learned that, if I failed at love, I should get better at whatever I was doing when I found love. If I got good enough, she might decide to give me another shot at the prize.

               Maybe ‘love’ is not the right word here.

               Lately, there has been a saying traveling around Facebook that says a man is a coward if he awakens love in a woman and doesn’t stick around to make it grow. I agree with that statement but I have to say that the desire to conquer, once aroused, is a very powerful force. I can’t offer judgment on any man who concedes to his desire.

               And now we are back at dinner where my proverbial penis has been chopped off.  We are finishing our meal when I get an offer to swing by her place and check out her apartment. At this point I am very confused and have to ask myself if the loss of my machismo wasn’t the price of entry into her abode.

               An hour later we are in her apartment. It is a very awkward moment for the both of us. She wants me to make a pass at her, this much is obvious. There is a large cat wandering around and I am reminded of my pledge never to get involved with a woman who has felines because of my allergies. The oath is a matter of self-preservation.

               The call of the wild is strong. I am contemplating how I could make this relationship work. I live two hours away. We are alone in the room together. Her bedroom is just up the stairs. In twenty minutes we could be naked, lying together, listening to the sounds of the city and our two hearts beating like lovers.

               I let the moment pass and I think about it to this day. I’ll never know what her motives were, attacking my machismo and then offering herself up like a lamb. Maybe she just wanted me to make the pass but I couldn’t risk her accepting it. I couldn’t chance starting something I had no intention of finishing. After fifty years of life I had finally learned the difference between lust and love and this was definitely the former.

               Today, my focus is on ‘flying’: becoming a better dancer, a better partner, a better person. I have awakened love in a woman who has no cats and I am hoping that she stays in my life. I am not the same man I used to be; the man who looked at women and saw sexual conquests is gone. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. All I know for certain is that I am different and that I must go forward and fly as best as I can.