Connection Depends on What You Want

               I am reposting this essay to reassure my readers of my commitment to the nobler aspects of a dance called tango. Enjoy!

               I guess I’ve known all along what I wanted from my dance: physical contact with the opposite sex without commitment. I don’t want to be lonely but I don’t want someone who will stand in between me and my obligations as a parent. It is a difficult conundrum to resolve and something I will have to deal with until my girls are on their own.

               I knew my great job in PA wouldn’t last forever and I’m surprised it did for nearly fourteen years. I got to be there for my oldest girl when she got on the school bus for the first time. I cried as I watched the bus pull away. I could see her sitting in a seat all by herself, unafraid, as the huge yellow contraption disappeared up the street with the precious gift I had worked so hard to shelter from the world for which she was now headed.

               Two years later, there was a repeat performance with my youngest daughter. I cried then, too. So much work had gone into preparing them for that day: teaching them to eat, potty training, preschool, getting them dressed, brushing their hair, etc.

               Now they’re both in college and they don’t need me anymore, they need my wallet. It’s good to be needed. It gives me purpose and I love being a dad. So what to do while I’m busy paying off my daughters' credit card bills? The answer is ‘tango’ but, if you knew me before I started dancing, you never would have thought I’d head in that direction.

               Yes, tango is a direction. I love the outdoors. When I got divorced, I spent all my free time canoe camping and running whitewater rivers in my kayak and canoe. This is in the woods. Tango is in the cities. What I love about cities are the people. For ten years I worked as a river guide, talking to city-folk all the way down the river. Now I am going to where they came from and getting to know them there. I find them fascinating.

               After five years of training, I’ve learned that the most important aspect of tango is the connection. What a person is looking to get out of their experience heavily influences how they establish the bond with their partner. I’m going for the Vulcan Mind Meld. I want to see inside my companion's brain and get to know her, feel her passion, her anxiety. I want her trust, I want to feel her desire; I want her to need me.

               I’ll let her come in close if she doesn’t hesitate; otherwise, it is open embrace. If she is uncomfortable in open embrace, I’ll try and move in closer but this can be awkward. I generally find there are two types of tangueras when it comes to establishing connection: those who hesitate and those who don’t. Both have the capacity to make the time we spend together in our endeavor a pleasant one or a test of civility.

               This is just me. How others connect depends entirely on what they are looking to get out of their brief engagement on the dance floor. In my conversations with tangueras, I’m pretty certain some of them are looking to dance with a man who is gay. I don’t understand this at all but I don’t think it is quite uncommon. I often get a sense that my followers are turned off at the slightest hint of testosterone.

               Some ladies, on the other hand, are looking for testosterone, as well as other things, like success in business, education or athletics. My guy friends encourage me to play into this stereotype and I often struggle with the morality of it: is it better to lie and make her happy or do I keep my self-respect but miss the opportunity for a great dance? There is nothing like tango with a tanguera who thinks you’re perfect marriage material:-)

               Among my male friends that actually are ‘perfect marriage material’, they tell me they are looking for physical gratification, first and foremost, but I secretly think they enjoy a lady with well developed tango skills just as much. I base this on the tangueras I've seen them dance with most.

               Finally, I think something all us guys are looking for is a follower who will go with us into a mistake. This is an intoxicating feeling, especially if she doesn’t acknowledge it but, rather, waits for the leader to continue. On the surface, the incident appears to be one of submission, which is what I think makes it so intoxicating for a man, but, upon further examination, the woman is merely taking the event as an exercise in patience, something all milongueros should practice by taking their turns with novices.




Note: For an in-depth look into the mind of the Kayak Hombre, read his book, available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/River-Tango-perri-iezzoni/dp/1453865527/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369366756&sr=1-1&keywords=River+tango