Crazy night. I’ve been having trouble dancing with a tanguera in the Philly area. She’s very attractive and is adored, I’m sure, by all the men down here. We had drinks the last time I came down here, before the milonga, just to get to know each other better. It was good and very platonic but then our connection got all screwed up and we couldn’t dance as well together. Did I say she’s very attractive?
I know how to deal with this: tell her how I feel. So I did, but I’m complex and once I said it, in an email, I got scared that she might want to go out with me. I’d never be able to resist her if she gave me some encouragement, and, if I could resist her, then what would that mean? That I’m still hurting from my last relationship? I wonder.
The nice thing about tango is we’re dealing with grown up women. I’m finding that, if I tell them what I’m going through, emotionally, they understand. As a guy, this is difficult to comprehend but in practice, it works.
Anyhow, I danced with her tonight. It was hard for me to ask her onto the floor. It was a good night for the women: lots of guys, and my friend was a hot commodity. All her partners were much better than me. She made it easy for me to ask her. She’s wonderful! No wonder I'm so confused. We danced two tandas. I felt very exposed but I knew I had to get through this, especially if I want to dance more in Philly. I told her I felt awkward and she understood. I think that solved the problem. On the second tanda, we moved together better but still not back to where we used to be.
I think it is important for guys to hear this because they need to know we’re dealing with grown up women here, most of the time, and they can handle our feelings as long as it isn’t all the time and overbearing. Also, even though I like her, and would fall for her if she gave me the go ahead, I still want to have that feeling with other girls because this is tango.
There you have it: tango is hard on my heart.
That was a trying episode but I think it worked out for the best. I was brave and bared my soul. Now I can go on with my life which, lately, has been a lot about tango and blogging. It is a full-time job. Tomorrow, or I should say, today, because it is 1:30 a.m. as I sit at the Wawa, near exit #44 on Rt. 476, is Claro de Luna milonga and that will be all good tangos with tangueras I’ve already spilled my heart to, but never to this degree, and now have great dance relationships with.
A woman I met tonight, read my book and said she loved it! I was ecstatic. I could have gone home then but I needed to dance with my friend.
There weren’t many interesting women there and the abundance of leaders, good leaders, made it hard to get at the few that were available. I left early. I wonder if it is just me, but tonight, I found the presence of so many good leaders emasculating. Maybe I was just in a funk. I think that, in other times, when there are so many accomplished tangueros, I rise to the challenge and become competitive.
Emasculating. There’s a word that’s popping up more and more in my lexicon. It means ‘removing one’s genitalia’. I think that’s because I’m not working, I’m renting out my house and I no longer have a van. I used to have a job, a house and a River-mobile. It’s all very humbling but that is how I know I’m in the right spot. Humility is the beginning of all learning. I will come out of this with a job that will take me into old age; I’ll sell my house when the market comes back and buy a van so I can go on canoe camping trips, once again; hopefully, with a wonderful tanguera who I can tango with under the eagles’ nest on the Upper Delaware River….one day, hang in there, Pear, you can do it.
Writing this blog is very rewarding. It inspires me to get out and do something productive while I’m unemployed. It is a journey of another sort; a journey into myself, exposing my thoughts and emotions for the benefit of the reader. Tango is a tough dance, not just because it is physically and mentally demanding. It is a tough dance because we are constantly making intimate connections with strangers and people who are no longer strangers. Constantly breaking that connection can be difficult and probably can’t be done without some sort of emotional blowback.
Finally, I think it is good for a woman to know she is wanted by a man, or many men, even. I know I like it when the ladies like me. And, because of this, I am sure my next dances with Lady X will be enjoyable. In tango, the best dances are those we have with partners who enjoy us as much we enjoy them.
No comments:
Post a Comment