I’ve got a pretty good dance relationship with this woman, I call her Lady X, but it has been a rough slog. Recently, we had a problem with ganchos. When I invite her to gancho after pasada, the pass, we don't connect and the gancho is lacking. In any other scenario, it is fine. She is very pretty and it was hard for me to get past that. Lady X is that kind of girl who appeals to the little boy in all us men.
When I was five, there was a girl, Cheryl X., who, to this day, has a fan club full of followers from her days in elementary school. I have known a few of these girls in my lifetime. They are always quiet in demeanor and surrounded by a gaggle of guys. I’m not sure what it is, maybe they are emitting a special pheromone. It could be geographical. I have a Russian friend. She suffers from this curse/blessing and she says it was not that way back in the old country.
I think every tango community needs a Lady X. She is the flower that attracts the bees. Dealing with these girls, for me, is difficult. Their effect on guys is to bring out the little boy inside us. What they want, however, is to dance with a man. In order to deal effectively with these special tangueras, I find I have to do something that I call ‘man up’.
As always, I have to assume it is me. To paraphrase the words of Diego de Falco, ‘if she didn’t follow it, then I didn’t lead it’. I could be expecting too much. I may not be placing myself in the right spot, in reference to her. Maybe she doesn’t feel ganchos are an integral part of the dance and, therefore, does not care for them. Who knows?
My instincts tell me it is time to ‘man up’ and this is something I’ve had to do several times in the past. To ‘man up’ has different meanings for different scenarios. Our ability to ‘man up’ is what makes us so valuable as leaders. When we do this, the woman responds instinctively. It is like a secret code that unlocks a safe within her DNA. It is like the gates of St. Peter: answer his question correctly and the bells chime, the gates open.
Manning up sucks. If it were up to me, I’d rather be the little boy, hopelessly infatuated and seeing only hearts when I look at her. Sometimes you get stuck in that mode, making life horrible for the people around you that you love. I was in such a rut, as a father. When my daughter turned sixteen and was on her second boyfriend, I had to snap out of it. It was a time for me to be sensitive. That is one of the great lessons of parenting, there’s a time to be tough and a time to be soft.
There is a danger to manning up. Women like it so much, they tend to fall in love with you. This happened to me when I was a river guide in the Adirondacks. It was the right thing to do at the time. People would have gotten hurt or drowned. Also, I ended up with two wonderful girls, who turned into the most admirable women a father could ever hope to raise.
After my divorce, I tended to view manning up with disdain and avoided it as much as possible. In tango, I find it is often necessary. Doing this turns a failing tango relationship around and usually benefits everybody.
So, here is how I will ‘man up’. First, I will silence the little boy in me and stop giving her so many compliments; she is getting sick of them, anyhow. Then, I will not lead ganchos, after pasada, until she is dying for me to do it. That’s it. So much for ‘manning up’. Let’s see how it goes.
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