"While I dance with her, I have a diamond in my arms, and nobody can touch it or hit it. The woman I dance with should fall in love with me during the tanda.” (Flaco Dany)
It takes two to tango. Usually, it is a man and a woman. Often, I have seen women attempting to lead but the best they can do is pretend. Part of what makes this dance so addicting, frustrating and enjoyable, is its effects on us physically, emotionally and mentally. The reason for this is a ‘chemical’ reaction, built into our DNA code, that is triggered when we interact through tango.
Recently, I received an email accusing me of coming across as "an imbecile high school senior", so I’m gonna try and be smart. I think ‘smart’ would avoid trying to fit gay couples into my explanation of why I think women can’t lead. I’m simply going add a caveat of ‘except for gay women’ and hope everyone realizes I’m excluding them.
The chemistry is the most important thing, but let us take a look at all the other things involved in this complex task. Honestly, I don’t know how a guy ever learns this dance without a woman to inspire him. A leader must listen to the music and interpret it into dance moves that he must then communicate to his partner. Don’t forget to navigate the crowded dance floor while avoiding obstacles, like pillars, chairs and tables.
Take into consideration that this is done with a member of the opposite sex, genetically designed to compel us to propagate the species, and you have a real challenge. Let’s make this even harder, throw in a man who is full of flaws and don’t let him begin until he is forty-seven. Okay, start leading!
To help you understand, let me tell you about my experience with a woman I met while learning tango. She is blond and tall. To me she seemed to wear a lot of makeup. I had no experience with girls who wore makeup until I started dancing. So, I assumed she wore perfume, too. Because of my allergies, I shied away from dancing with her.
On a side note, my allergies were a big problem until I went on a detox diet for allergens: no potatoes, green peppers, spinach, bread, tomatoes or pasta. Basically, everything I ate. After a month, I was not so sensitive to women’s perfume or makeup. Some perfume never bothered me, such as Victoria’s Secrets ‘Pure Seduction’ and Christian Dior’s ‘Pure Poison’.
Back to the tall, German fraulein. She always made sure I knew that she was hoping I’d ask her to dance. One day, while I was dancing with her, I told her I have a problem with perfume. She said, “I’m not wearing any perfume.”
Nervously, I inhaled and paid attention to the air: not a whiff of chemical enhancements. She was right. I realized, then, I had been unfairly ignoring this woman, based on the false assumption that makeup has to travel with perfume. Like the Grinch’s heart, as he sits on top of the highest peak, looking down upon Whoville and all the Whos who are singing, my heart grew three sizes larger that day.
I started paying attention to this woman and noticed that she was always improving. I began inviting her onto the floor more often and I found myself truly enjoying our education in tango together. In our embrace, I could feel how much this woman enjoyed the music and delighted in dancing with me. I think I’ve said this before: one of the greatest joys in tango is dancing with someone you love, who also loves dancing with you.
This nasty email I mentioned before, said, “you're a sad, narcissistic, two-bit loser!” Not exactly like that, I had to correct the spelling and the punctuation. I don’t necessarily disagree with that statement. I’m unemployed, so ‘loser’ fits. I am sad…sometimes, and it probably shows in my writing. I spent a lot of time learning how to lead tango, so women would be happy to dance with me. I expect them to be happy, so that does make me narcissistic. There’s a little bit of performance anxiety, here, too, but I’m up for the challenge.
It takes a man to realize he was wrong. Only a man can be stupid enough to overlook the beautiful person inside the woman. But it takes a man to take another look and see how truly wonderful she is. And only a man can be as happy as I am to dance with her to this very day.
Men can be childish, stupid and insensitive. In order for us to make the commitment it takes to become a leader in tango, it takes a man full of passion for women. He must have the heart of a poet. When he begins his journey, he does not leave behind his childishness, his stupidity or his insensitivity. Because of his passion, he becomes a leader in spite of those things. His faults are his stumbling blocks but this is where the true lessons are: in stepping over them.
Our job, as leaders, is not limited to just one woman. It is our responsibility to dance with all of them. And that is why I say a woman can’t lead, it takes a man with the appetite, with love and compassion in his heart, for all women, to do the job and do it well.
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